the stories of a los angeles violinist

an essay

Added on by Jordan Martone.

thick skin is a battle for me. metaphorically. this industry requires that you have armor, inches thick. 

i'm embarrassed to admit that my skin is not as thick as i thought it was. i've let things get to me, bury deep under my armor and plant themselves on my heart. like some sickness that i didn't invite in. i've always been emotionally sensitive. i'm incredibly empathetic and i carry other people's feelings as if they were my own. this is both a strength and a weakness. i relate well to people and my friends seem to like to open up to me. however, it is a fault. i leave my heart open all the time to be perceptive to the world around me, which leaves it vulnerable. some people have discovered this about me and taken advantage, breaking me down with little chinks in my armor and big knocks when i'm at my lowest. 

the real question is, am i really being sabotaged? or is it my imagination? an excuse, perhaps? and how could i allow myself to be compromised by my negative surroundings? i was raised to be an independant, strong woman. what made me a softy? i don't fit the mold my dreams demand. am i doing something wrong? or am i an exception? 

so many questions, emotions, feelings, all remind me of a quote my dear friend alissa sent me in a letter during my freshman year: 

"you will be stupid.
you will worry your parents.
you will questions your own choices,
your relationships, your jobs, your friends,
where you live, what you studied in college,
that you went to college at all...
if that happens, you're doing it right."

- ira glass

healthy encouragement after a hard day. 

my violin professor says he loves the sensitive ones because they care

caring too much sounds like a character trait that michael scott would put on a job application under "negative-qualities". "well, david wallace, i'm too good at my job, i spend too much time at the office, and i care too much." ha! 

had to lighten things up. this would be under the portion of the blog dedicated to the things i never want to forget: the struggles and the heartache. i never want to forget how these feelings affect me, because i never want to dwell on them again. so there.