being a senior is a very peculiar place to be.
as i arrived to school yesterday for my last first day of school ever, i became increasingly more aware of things that i had been right in front of my face for quite some time.
#1: who are all of these people?! when you're a freshman, you're the newest person on campus. it's all rose-colored glasses and there's a plethora of opportunities in your lap and hundreds of people to meet. when i was a freshman, i felt like i knew everyone on campus and everyone was my friend. now, as a senior, i look around campus at all the fresh faces that are so excited to be here and i think, "who are all these people?!" i've never seen them before. i had someone actually ask me if i was a freshman too. i feel like i've been watching the 4th episode of the bachelor when people start saying, "i've never seen that girl on this show before. where did she come from?" yeah, that's my life lately.
#2: all i care about is graduating. senioritis does things to you, but so does thinking about the future. i just want to get out of school already and my violin professor is talking to me about grad school and i'm just like, "i just want to get married first!" my fellow senior violinist friends are thinking about whether or not to go on and get their doctorate some day and i just do not feel the same drive as them. i could write a whole post on why i'm not interested in going to grad school, but it all boils down to this: i hate school and i hate student loans. (clarification: i hate general education. i love my music classes. especially my new jazz studies class where my professor calls us all "little shits". it's a riot.)
#3: i'm an engaged student: it's is a weird thing when you've got a nice, sparkling big one on your finger and people are still trying to flirt with you and make-a-move. then when you tell people you're engaged, they look at you as if to say, "what the what?! i can't even wake up for my 8am class and you're already caring for another person? you haven't even lived your life yet. you're too young to settle down." i've had it all. none of it matters. people's opinions do not matter because i'm getting freaking married, because i love a boy, and because i want to!... sheesh.
*sidenote: i shipped my violin off to maryland to get a little facelift. i miss him, kornelius the kono. (he needs a new name.) but when i get him back, i won't have to play this icky loaner fiddle anymore, so there's that.
these images of the puke-colored carpet on the walls of the practice rooms and the ghetto yamaha pianos that are always out of tune, are forever engrained in my brain. who knows, maybe i'll miss this place. maybe i'll long for a tiny practice room someday. maybe i'll miss the graffitied doors and filthy floors. i know that i will definitely miss my friends poking into my room to ask about orchestra rehearsals and masterclasses. i made many memories in these practice rooms and stark-white hallways.
i wonder how i'll feel when it's all over.