you know that children's book madeline? the one with the 12 little girls in 2 straight lines, one of them was madeline? well, i was the brunette version of madeline as a little girl, only i spoke a lot less french. (but i did speak some! thank you, mother.) want proof?
yep. i had that haircut for years. i even brought it back through high school and college. and that's the look i give my students when they say i look tired...
my point here is regarding miss clavel, the nun. you know how she used to wake up in the middle of the night, sit straight up in her bed and say "something is not right!" then she would fly down the many mazes of corridors (it seemed) until she reached the girls' room only to find that something indeed was not right. like when madeline's appendix burst. that was definitely not right. (the second thing i think of when i heard the word "appendix" is zac efron... oh, zac efron...)
well, my friends, something in my world is not right, and i can't put my finger on it. i wish i had the clarity of a children's book author who could just write my problems down so i could find a fix for it and move on with my life. i've felt "off" for a couple of months and there are many things that could be the culprit, or a collection of them all?
first, i've been teaching. a lot. now, i enjoy teaching. i care about music education more than most things in this world. i enjoy the look on a child's face when they've finally conquered something they've been working on. i find teaching to be very natural for me. i feel like i'm a born teacher. my mother is an excellent music educator and has been my example from the day i taught my first violin lesson in 6th grade. when it's time to teach, i put my teacher hat on and take charge of that classroom like it's second nature.
however, it's not my love. i knew from the age of 7, shortly after i took my first violin lesson, that i loved the violin and that i wanted to play it for the rest of my life. play it, not teach it. teaching is something that will always be a part of my life, because it's the best day job i could ask for. but when there's an imbalance in my teaching-to-playing ratio, i feel like i'm stuck in a profession i've never wanted. i know i'm not stuck, i just wish i was playing more at the moment, if that makes sense? this is my first miss clavel culprit.
second, i am not in school for the first time in my entire life. since preschool, there's been a set schedule for my life that i did not have to make myself. wake up, go to school, work hard, practice your violin, eat somewhere in between, sleep, repeat. go to high school, go to college... then what? i am aware that this is probably a very common emotion that post-grads deal with. for the first half of the school year, i thought "wow! this is my life?! teaching half the week, playing half the week. this is the best!" but now that i've settled into this routine i've created for myself, i cannot help but feel like i'm not doing enough. this is the first time in literally my entire life that i haven't been preparing for my future, i'm living the future i worked for. guys, that is so weird!
i keep feeling like my violin teacher is going to call me up and say "jordan! why aren't you practicing 4 hours a day?!" (don't get me wrong, i'm still practicing. a violinist's life motto is why are you sleeping?! you should be playing octaves!) but i get to practice to refine my technique and to play for fun. what a concept. still, i can't shake the feeling of guilt i have when i sleep in or watch a movie. this is miss clavel culprit number two.
ultimately, i'm finding my rhythm. life is so drastically different. it has moments of extreme happiness and moments of extreme unrest. thank god for my patient husband who loves me and supports me and reassures me. i could write a novel on him.
thank you, readers for sticking through the weird times. as i said when i started this blog, life is up and down and this blog will reflect that. but isn't that the beauty in it? the good, the bad, the ugly.